satirizing the media

Discussion in 'Miscellany' started by Unbeknown, Oct 20, 2014.

Draft saved Draft deleted
  1. Unbeknown

    Unbeknown Senior Moderator

    and it's parody:

    The Pious Chancellor's Creed.
    (Formulated by Prince Von Bismarck.)

    I DO believe in Providence,
    On grounds most firm and valid ;
    Its rulings have shown strength and sense.
    And with my views have tallied.

    'Tis ever on the stronger side,
    And while my side's the stronger,
    I shall acknowledge it with pride
    (But not a moment longer).

    I hold to faith robust and stout,
    And, Heaven and I agreeing,
    All duffers who presume to doubt,
    Deserve eternal d — ing.

    I'm sole exponent of the truth,
    Of genuine Christianity,
    Cleared from all cant of love and ruth,
    And humbug of humanity.

    I do believe in days and dates.
    As I'm a (sort of) sinner ;
    I hold those fools defy the fates
    Who sit thirteen at dinner.

    That Friday ventures badly fare.
    For reasons past explaining ;
    That he's an ass who has his hair
    Cut when the moon is waning.

    I do believe most men are fools,
    And need despotic ruling
    By one past-master in the schools
    Of force and clever fooling;

    That dangers which beset the State,
    And risk that Kings environ,
    Demand a will as stern as fate,
    A rule of blood and iron .

    I do believe free Parliament
    Means dawdling, driveling, doting.
    Save only when it is content
    With silent money-voting.

    I hold, of all pretenders crass
    Who ever claimed dominion.
    The worst is that gregarious ass
    Nicknamed " Public opinion. "

    In fine, I do believe in Force
    (Of fight, or faith, or feeding)
    Uncramped by conscience, ruth, remorse,
    Good-nature, or good-breeding,

    That strength should sway in council, fray.
    Love, piety, or potting,
    Is Providence's special way
    And Heaven's own allotting.
     
  2. Unbeknown

    Unbeknown Senior Moderator

    "The Pious Editor's Creed"
    by James Russell Lowell

    I du believe in Freedom's cause,
    Ez fur away ez Payris is;
    I love to see her stick her claws
    In them infarnal Phayrisees;
    It's wal enough agin a king
    To dror resolves an' triggers,--
    But libbaty's a kind o' thing
    Thet don't agree with niggers.

    I du believe the people want
    A tax on teas an' coffees,
    Thet nothin' aint extravygunt,--
    Purvidin' I'm in office;
    For I hev loved my country sence
    My eye-teeth filled their sockets,
    An' Uncle Sam I reverence,
    Partic'larly his pockets.

    I du believe in any plan
    O' levyin' the texes,
    Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
    I git jest wut I axes;
    I go free-trade thru thick an' thin,
    Because it kind o' rouses
    The folks to vote,--an' keeps us in
    Our quiet custom-houses.

    I du believe it's wise an' good
    To sen' out furrin missions,
    Thet is, on sartin understood
    An' orthydox conditions;--
    I mean nine thousan' dolls. per ann.,
    Nine thousan' more fer outfit,
    An' me to recommend a man
    The place 'ould jest about fit.

    I du believe in special ways
    O' prayin' an' convartin';
    The bread comes back in many days,
    An' buttered, tu, fer sartin;
    I mean in preyin' till one busts
    On wut the party chooses,
    An' in convartin' public trusts
    To very privit uses.

    I du believe hard coin the stuff
    Fer 'lectioneers to spout on;
    The people's ollers soft enough
    To make hard money out on;
    Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
    An' gives a good-sized junk to all,--
    I don't care how hard money is,
    Ez long ez mine's paid punctooal.

    I du believe with all my soul
    In the gret Press's freedom,
    To pint the people to the goal
    An' in the traces lead 'em;
    Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
    At my fat contracts squintin',
    An' withered be the nose thet pokes
    Inter the gov'ment printin'!

    I du believe thet I should give
    Wut's his'n unto Caesar,
    Fer it's by him I move an' live,
    Frum him my bread an' cheese air;
    I du believe thet all o' me
    Doth bear his superscription,--
    Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
    An' things o' thet description.

    I du believe in prayer an' praise
    To him that hez the grantin'
    O' jobs,--in every thin' thet pays,
    But most of all in CANTIN';
    This doth my cup with marcies fill,
    This lays all thought o' sin to rest,--
    I don't believe in princerple,
    But oh, I du in interest.

    I du believe in bein' this
    Or thet, ez it may happen
    One way or t'other hendiest is
    To ketch the people nappin';
    It aint by princerples nor men
    My preudunt course is steadied,--
    I scent wich pays the best, an' then
    Go into it baldheaded.

    I du believe thet holdin' slaves
    Comes nat'ral to a Presidunt,
    Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves
    To hev a wal-broke precedunt;
    Fer any office, small or gret,
    I couldn't ax with no face,
    'uthout I'd ben, thru dry an' wet,
    Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface.

    I du believe wutever trash
    'll keep the people in blindness,
    Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash
    Right inter brotherly kindness,
    Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball
    Air good-will's strongest magnets,
    Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
    Must be druv in with bagnets.

    In short, I firmly du believe
    In Humbug generally,
    Fer it's a thing thet I perceive
    To hev a solid vally;
    This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
    In pasturs sweet heth led me,
    An' this'll keep the people green
    To feed ez they hev fed me.​
     

Share This Page