shaykh abdul mustafa azhari in jannati zeywar: though some parts of the advice may sound very old fashioned.
I can edit the 'politics' part as it's not how to speak to your mother. I meant, not in those words but to take a stand.
Your points are well made. You should take up family counselling! Mods, pin these words of wisdom. I don't mean any sarcasm. Just picked these few points from your post. Pretty strong anti-mother stance. I am wondering how much of this is permitted when even an "uff" against parents could have "grave" consequences.
Aqdas bhai, you should get a "peace prize" for suggesting a blueprint for ideal family/in-law relationship!
Saw a post about husbands not standing up for the rights of their wives in relation to their parents (and perhaps, siblings). We haven't done enough as a community regarding this. Maybe we have picked up too much from the other cultures that we live with in India where a daughter in law is seen as a slave. Yes, the husband is often stuck between a rock and a hard place where he has his mother on one side and his wife on the other. Invariably, please one and you lose the other. It's a tough task to juggle both rights and fulfil them adequately. But it can be done and requires a strong character who has knowledge of Islam and will then implement that. The thing with subcontinental marriages is that there are three parties involved, maybe four: husband, wife, husband's family, wife's family; but it's mostly the first three. Too many cooks... 1. Each of the three must know their obligations/responsibilities (farayid) not just their rights (huquq). Notice, that our people are so obsessed with only huquq that even when talking about farayid, they'll use the word haqq! Remember, everything that is your fard is the opposite person's haqq and everything that is your haqq is their fard. Trust me, if the wife played the huquq and farayid card, she would win all day long. That's how much Islam has honoured a women and a wife. So our masjids must run regular courses for those who are about to get married AND their parents so that every party knows their rights and responsibilities. An imam should perform nikah after they show their certificate that they've attended the 'Spouses rights and responsibilities' course. 2. The mother in law must see her daughter in law as her own daughter. We have a major problem where from the outset, she's seen as competition and an outsider rather than a daughter. Isn't she someone's daughter? Hasn't she left her parents and family and home to come and be with you? Don't you have daughters of your own? Why is it that you want your own daughters to live like princesses and for them to rule but for someone else's daughter in your home to live like a slave? Why the double standards? Why do you want your own daughters to visit you every week but your daughter in law mustn't go for months on end? Why must the bahu do all the housework whilst your own daughters watch dramas all day and be on their phones? Mothers in law must fear Allah ta'ala. They will meet Allah ta'ala one day and answer and pay for oppressing an innocent. I've specified mothers in law because it's mainly them but fathers in law can be evil too. 3. Why does the mother in law do this? Jealousy. She has raised her son for 20+ years and suddenly a new woman has arrived on the scene and he's all of a sudden infatuated with her. Saasu maa! Weren't you a new daughter in law once? Didn't you want your husbands attention? Why don't you think back to your own transition to your new home and have some empathy with this poor girl who's left everything for your son? If you've brought up your son well, he will never disregard you. If he is, don't blame his wife. Blame him and ultimately yourself. If you had taught him Islam, he would keep you both happy as far as possible. It's amazing that often, these oppressive mothers in law are the same ones who didn't give two hoots about their own mother in law but expect their own bahu to serve them hand and foot! 4. The notion we must shatter: 'she's my mother so she's always right.' No chance! She's not always right at all. If you start with that idea, your view is skewed and biased. Instead, take it case by case. Yes, your mother is your paradise but she can also be your hell if she makes you oppress your wife. Yes, read that again! When a mother is wrong, her son should say so. If he doesn't, it encourages her to oppress even more. Nip it in the bud early on. Why do I write against heretics and sulh kullis? Same reason. If we don't, it encourages it. Be a man! Your wife isn't an animal. Your mother isn't an angel. Tell your mother to stop her politics and defend your wife. Your wife needs to know you are on the side of truth. 5. Ok, saasu maa, you don't care for this newcomer out of jealousy. Don't you care for your son either? Aren't you wrecking his life and happiness? Do you like him being frustrated all the time and fearful every time he walks in the front door, wondering what the state of play is today? What it boils down to is ignorance and not fearing Allah ta'ala with regard to huquq al-ibad. Such evil in laws have forgotten that they will answer to Allah ta'ala one day. Sons and fathers should sit down with the mother in law and give her some home truths. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Disclaimer: this post is only about the evils of a lady's in laws. It doesn't mean they are at fault in every case. Just that this topic is often missed in favour of highlighting the obligations of a daughter in law.
