and it's parody: The Pious Chancellor's Creed. (Formulated by Prince Von Bismarck.) I DO believe in Providence, On grounds most firm and valid ; Its rulings have shown strength and sense. And with my views have tallied. 'Tis ever on the stronger side, And while my side's the stronger, I shall acknowledge it with pride (But not a moment longer). I hold to faith robust and stout, And, Heaven and I agreeing, All duffers who presume to doubt, Deserve eternal d — ing. I'm sole exponent of the truth, Of genuine Christianity, Cleared from all cant of love and ruth, And humbug of humanity. I do believe in days and dates. As I'm a (sort of) sinner ; I hold those fools defy the fates Who sit thirteen at dinner. That Friday ventures badly fare. For reasons past explaining ; That he's an ass who has his hair Cut when the moon is waning. I do believe most men are fools, And need despotic ruling By one past-master in the schools Of force and clever fooling; That dangers which beset the State, And risk that Kings environ, Demand a will as stern as fate, A rule of blood and iron . I do believe free Parliament Means dawdling, driveling, doting. Save only when it is content With silent money-voting. I hold, of all pretenders crass Who ever claimed dominion. The worst is that gregarious ass Nicknamed " Public opinion. " In fine, I do believe in Force (Of fight, or faith, or feeding) Uncramped by conscience, ruth, remorse, Good-nature, or good-breeding, That strength should sway in council, fray. Love, piety, or potting, Is Providence's special way And Heaven's own allotting.
"The Pious Editor's Creed" by James Russell Lowell I du believe in Freedom's cause, Ez fur away ez Payris is; I love to see her stick her claws In them infarnal Phayrisees; It's wal enough agin a king To dror resolves an' triggers,-- But libbaty's a kind o' thing Thet don't agree with niggers. I du believe the people want A tax on teas an' coffees, Thet nothin' aint extravygunt,-- Purvidin' I'm in office; For I hev loved my country sence My eye-teeth filled their sockets, An' Uncle Sam I reverence, Partic'larly his pockets. I du believe in any plan O' levyin' the texes, Ez long ez, like a lumberman, I git jest wut I axes; I go free-trade thru thick an' thin, Because it kind o' rouses The folks to vote,--an' keeps us in Our quiet custom-houses. I du believe it's wise an' good To sen' out furrin missions, Thet is, on sartin understood An' orthydox conditions;-- I mean nine thousan' dolls. per ann., Nine thousan' more fer outfit, An' me to recommend a man The place 'ould jest about fit. I du believe in special ways O' prayin' an' convartin'; The bread comes back in many days, An' buttered, tu, fer sartin; I mean in preyin' till one busts On wut the party chooses, An' in convartin' public trusts To very privit uses. I du believe hard coin the stuff Fer 'lectioneers to spout on; The people's ollers soft enough To make hard money out on; Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his, An' gives a good-sized junk to all,-- I don't care how hard money is, Ez long ez mine's paid punctooal. I du believe with all my soul In the gret Press's freedom, To pint the people to the goal An' in the traces lead 'em; Palsied the arm thet forges yokes At my fat contracts squintin', An' withered be the nose thet pokes Inter the gov'ment printin'! I du believe thet I should give Wut's his'n unto Caesar, Fer it's by him I move an' live, Frum him my bread an' cheese air; I du believe thet all o' me Doth bear his superscription,-- Will, conscience, honor, honesty, An' things o' thet description. I du believe in prayer an' praise To him that hez the grantin' O' jobs,--in every thin' thet pays, But most of all in CANTIN'; This doth my cup with marcies fill, This lays all thought o' sin to rest,-- I don't believe in princerple, But oh, I du in interest. I du believe in bein' this Or thet, ez it may happen One way or t'other hendiest is To ketch the people nappin'; It aint by princerples nor men My preudunt course is steadied,-- I scent wich pays the best, an' then Go into it baldheaded. I du believe thet holdin' slaves Comes nat'ral to a Presidunt, Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves To hev a wal-broke precedunt; Fer any office, small or gret, I couldn't ax with no face, 'uthout I'd ben, thru dry an' wet, Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface. I du believe wutever trash 'll keep the people in blindness, Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash Right inter brotherly kindness, Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball Air good-will's strongest magnets, Thet peace, to make it stick at all, Must be druv in with bagnets. In short, I firmly du believe In Humbug generally, Fer it's a thing thet I perceive To hev a solid vally; This heth my faithful shepherd ben, In pasturs sweet heth led me, An' this'll keep the people green To feed ez they hev fed me.
