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Discussion in 'General Topics' started by Surati, Mar 24, 2021.
Spouses need to have realistic expectations of one another. The perfect person doesn't exist, except the prophets عليهم السلام.
We need to come back down to earth and appreciate that our spouse is human. Mistakes happen.
Concentrate on the good points. Each and every one of us has bad points. If you're going to end marriages because your spouse has these, you're deluded.
When most of their qualities are good and a few aren't what you expect, then how wise is it to focus on the negatives?
And during hard times, stand by each other and support your spouse. You are on the same side. This isn't a competition.
You have to learn to live with things. As long as the foundation is strong, glitches along the way can be discussed. Are you perfect that you expect your spouse to be?
If anyone tells you their marriage is perfect, they're lying.
It isn't meant to be!
It is about finding someone compatible who obviously has flaws but whose qualities outweigh the few niggles they may have.
These minor matters are NOT enough for divorce.
She isn't perfect. Are you?!
He isn't perfect. Are you?!
Why are you seeking divorce over trivial matters? Why are you ignoring his/her good points?
Muslims need to wake up. The divorce rate is shooting through the roof mainly because our threshold of what we put up with is rock bottom. We expect perfection whilst ourselves being full of faults.
No person is perfect. Accept the drawbacks. Have your eye on the things you like.
This isn't me saying no one should ever divorce. It's me saying stop divorcing for petty things.
People need to stop divorcing until steps are taken beforehand to resolve any issues.
There have to procedures in place before any pronouncement is made. And the next step should be taken after the preceding have failed. E.g.
1. Spouses discuss the issues and discuss what each other need
2. Get an impartial mediator
3. Get someone from each side of the family to speak to the spouses
4. Get the local imam involved
I'm no expert and may be suggesting steps that aren't needed or in the wrong order. But my point is, there has to be a process in place before we reach the pronouncement.
Families should do their utmost to preserve the marriage. It's not on for either side to push for divorce. It isn't their life on the line. They aren't the ones left picking up the pieces.
Husbands need to man up. She's someone's daughter. And wives need to stop falling for this absolute menace which is feminism. Recognise your rights and responsibilities and do your best to be together till death, not divorce.
Maulana Ilyas Qadiri on the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation
An upwards trend in young people nowadays is that they expect full alignment in temperament, personality, character and outlook on life.
Because of this I-need-100%-or-else-I’m-bouncing-mentality, we see so many marriages break down. No one is willing to work on their marriage anymore.
Marriage problems are very nuanced and their solutions can’t be generalised. People should seek professional help or an external mutually agreed third party to help mediate if things have become too difficult (more often than not our close friends and family are biased even if they may claim impartiality - some even add fuel to the fire and cause divorce to be precipitated instead of encouraging reconciliation. Astaghfirullah).
Divorce is an absolute catastrophe, it is deeply painful for everybody involved. People should learn to take responsibility for their actions as divorce has consequences beyond the spouses. The breaking of a family unit affects the well-being of a lot of people.
I feel like young people nowadays just get divorced at the first sign of hardship. In order for marriage to do its job, it needs longevity, commitment and security. “Half of your deen” is certainly not fulfilled on the wedding night.
When you are committed to your spouse and them to you, you can trust that they won’t leave when you make a mistake. You can be yourself with no facades. You can change and grow for the better. We need to learn the lessons that marriage has for us. Be happy with good enough. If you have a spouse who prays 5 times a day, is your friend, is forgiving and will ask for forgiveness, is loyal, committed to you and willing to work on themselves and the marriage and say “I’m not perfect but I will try” - that’s good enough.
You’re not perfect so why expect it from someone else?
Came across this quote the other day:
"No other relationship so profoundly tests the extent of our own willingness to be flexible and forgiving, to learn and change—if we can resist the allure of self-justification. From our standpoint, therefore, misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love; self-justification is."
Note: Tragically, there are some circumstances where divorce is the better option (things like physical abuse etc), but I am not speaking about these extreme circumstances here but rather about expecting perfection from your spouse.